I had a great response to this morning's blog "A Man's Guide to Valentine's Day" so by popular demand, here is the guide for women.

Ladies, your husband is not nearly as complex as you are. By and large, men think Valentine's Day as goofy. We criticize it as another reason for Hallmark to make millions of dollars. Even today many men shook their heads as they left for work and they passed the dozen roses dying in the vase at the tune of 50 bucks. Men feel somewhat obligated to this holiday, and though we can all see the value in taking a special opportunity to express love, we see things a little differently.So, wives, here are a few tips for you this Valentine's Day...I mean Valentine's week.

1. Sex. You knew it was coming. Your husband wants to have sex. Even if he doesn't say it, he believes that Valentine's Day, his birthday, anniversary and perhaps even Father's Day should be guaranteed sex with his wife. He prefers that you seem excited about this opportunity, but he will take obligatory sex as well. Believe it or not wives but many husbands consider sex as vital to the health and well being of your marriage. Too long without sex makes him feel like a defeated failure. Sex within marriage helps husbands feel all is right with the world.

2. Food. A close second to sex is food, preferably meat (unless he's a vegetarian, in that case beans...I guess). A nice filet goes a long way into making a man feel loved. I believe Texas de Brazil was made for men. Ladies, I know you get grossed out by all that meat but he loves it. When a man's wife goes out of her way to make his favorite meal, it makes him feel loved and understood. Just be prepared; when a man feels loved and understood by his wife, he will likely want to have sex.

3. Lingerie. Yes, I know you wives think I should have included this under #1, but men see these differently. Sex is what it is. We love it, and yes, we are good to go pretty much anytime. When a man's wife wears lingerie, she makes him feel wanted. This is a big deal to men. Our greatest fear is feeling like a failure. When our wives make us feel wanted, we feel successful. This is one of the dangers of pornography and why I'm so strongly against it! Men who look at porn are seeking an artificial sense of success and doing so with images of someone other that their wives. Men, if you look at porn, stop or get help so you can stop. Instead, make your wife the ONLY one you fantasize about and the ultimate standard of beauty and sexiness in your mind. Wives, we like lingerie...it usually leads to sex.

4. Man movies. Men are inspired by movies of heroic men. Not all movies are created equal. I think most men resonate with the movies that depict sacrifice, redemption and strong love. Some examples are every Rocky movie, Braveheart, Saving Private Ryan, Gladiator and most Bruce Willis movies. I would even include the Passion of the Christ for obvious reasons. Men are highly visual in their approach to life, so inspiring movies can be a great gift both to help them unwind and to give them a little reminder of the calling of manhood as a life of sacrifice, redemption and love...and watching things blow up! Just so you know wives, at the end of the movie he will probably be in the mood for sex.

5. Guy time. Men tend to be task-oriented in their work lives. So, even though most men are "around other adults all day," it does not equal enjoying positive and needed relational time with friends. It's good for men to gather around a basket of hot wings and talk sports or hobbies. The only think I'd add from a Christian male perspective is the need for men to be connected to other men in true Biblical accountability. As men, our tendency is to live in surface level relationships with most people. We need to have a few trusted friends, a band of brothers if your will, to hang with from time to time. Wives, you may have to help your husband carve out time for this. Just so you know wives, some good guy time will likely mean he comes home ready for sex.

6. Encouraging words. Men need to know their wives believe in them. Frankly this one out ranks the previous 5. Husbands need to know that the #1 woman in his life respects him and honors him as the most important man in her life. Very few men have a confidence much greater than the confidence their wives have for them. Men need to hear it or read it. Wives, tell your husbands what a great husband they are or what a great dad they are or how grateful you are for all they do. Men are extremely tangible. Speak of what they do more than how you feel, we men are far less in touch with emotions and it just doesn't connect. But if you bring up the and handful of things we've done, you have truly encouraged us! Just so you know wives, a few encouraging words will likely lead to sex.

I hope this is equally helpful for you wives out there who are never quite sure what to do for your husband on Valentine's Day. If you still aren't sure...just go with #1.

Enjoy! 

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Men, part of the calling of manhood is learning how to treat the woman you love. Let me let you in on a little secret. Today is Valentine's Day. In honor of the day, I have created a little guide to help you love your wife well this year. It is important to make the most of days like today, even if you think Valentine's Day is stupid (frankly, it's not much different than the Super Bowl). Regardless on how you feel about the commercialize day, it is a chance to show your wife what she means to you, and to elevate her as the prize she is.

Express love verbally. As men we often allow ourselves to be far too quiet in life. We give reasons like, "I'm just not a talker." Yet if it's sports or hunting or our hobby of choice, we can talk all day. Men, take time this year to express your love for your wife verbally. This means actually saying something. Tell her how you feel about her out loud or at least in written form on a card. You will likely need to think this through before you open your mouth. Bring notes if you need to, but express it verbally! By the way, the most important words in a marriage are not "I love you;" they are "thank you."

Express love physically. Ok guys, physically does not ONLY mean sex. If it did, there would be no issue here. Expressing love physically also means holding her, sitting next to her and simply being present. It is important on special days like today (her birthday, Mother's day, etc) to protect your schedule to spend time to physically be with your wife. It is also important to express love sexually but not as the only physical expression. You wife may enjoy holding hands or taking a walk together or a drive around town to talk (see #1). Or sit next to her on the couch and run your fingers through her hair (easy on the tangles!)

Express love sacrificially. Men, I can say with reasonable confidence that your wife sacrifices often for your good and the good of your home. Use moments like these to love her through sacrifice. Come home early and relieve her of "kid duty." Dust off the "honey-do" list and complete some overdue projects you've been avoiding. Let her know you will make dinner and maybe do some laundry...if she will let you. Show her how much you appreciate her by serving her sacrificially.

Express love generously. Everyone woman loves a gift. Gifts communicate value and care. They can be a token of love and a statement that says, "I've been paying attention to your WANTS." You do not have to spend a fortune, it is the thought that counts...unless you gave it very little thought, then it doesn't count. We need to learn to be generous in the giving of gifts, time and attention. Sometimes the latter two are valued more than the first.

Express love vicariously. To the dads...if you have a son, or in my case four sons, you have a big responsibility to train those boys how to love a woman well. While your boys are in the house, you should love your wife vicariously through your sons by training them to love their mother well. This will help develop the skills necessary for when they decide to love a special young lady one day. Boys learn early to forget about mom. Your job is to make sure they don't. Doing this will be an act of love to your wife and honestly to your future daughter-in-law.

Express love regularly. One of the dangers of Valentine's Day is the tendency we men have to love well today and forget the other 364 days of the year. If you have not loved well this year, you cannot make it up on one romantic evening of dinner, wine and roses. Love, especially in marriage, is an every day calling. We must choose it whether we feel like it or not. We must honor our wives by loving her so well that Valentine's Day is the icing on the cake. If you aren't there yet, start today. Confess to her that you have not loved her well and that things will begin to change starting today.

I hope this helps. I hope you have a great Valentine's Day today or whatever day you choose to celebrate it. If you need further inspiration, please check out the series I taught in October of 2011 entitled, "A Ridiculous Idea Called Marriage."

Happy romancing!

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Parents who are married often deal with the struggle of keeping a vibrant marriage and personal life alongside the ever-continuous demands of raising kids. With the addition of children, it seems that minutes evaporate, hardly leaving time to sleep, much less a romantic life, devotional time with God or much needed disciplines like exercise. Wise couples will recognize this early and come up with ways to fight to keep all the essential elements of a healthy life working. Here's the good news... You do not have to live on the edge of burnout if you are willing to make a few changes and take some steps to serve your spouse. That may sound counter-intuitive; but remember, the answer for ALL healthy things in marriage comes through giving, NOT taking!

Allow me to introduce "The Parenting Pick and Roll."The pick and roll we find in the great sport of basketball is defined by Wikipedia this way, "The play begins with a defender guarding a ballhandler. The ballhandler moves toward a teammate, who sets a 'screen' (or 'pick') by standing in the way of the defender, who is separated from the still-moving ballhandler. The defender is forced to choose between guarding the ballhandler or the screener. If the defender tries to guard the ballhandler, then the screener can move toward the basket, sometimes by a foot pivot ('roll'), and is now open for a pass. If the defender chooses instead to guard the screening teammate, then the ballhandler has an open shot. Alternatively, the ballhandler may pass the ball to an open teammate. A well-executed pick and roll is the result of teamwork."

This is exactly what married couples need in their parenting! The goal is for you and your spouse to win together, NOT separately or alone. This means you must look at how your lives operate. Do a little inventory of your life. What priorities are you failing to protect? In my experience, there are a few priorities that always seem to get edged out by the defense...I mean the kids. :)

Devotional time with God. At our church (Highpoint Church), we call this a Priority Time because we want people to see this as the "priority that sets all other priorities." Especially if you have small children, uninterrupted time to read your Bible and pray seems impossible.

Exercise. Everyone needs some amount of exercise in their lives to maintain good health and mental well being. Where does it fit? Mornings? Afternoons? Evenings? I'm sure, like most of us, you can think of 10 reasons for each of those time slots that make exercise seem impossible to fit in. Of course, if you don't exercise, your life will be affected in many ways.

Romance. Ok married people, you gotta be going on dates, kissing, touching and making love regularly...that's right, regularly. Not regular like paying you monthly utility bill, I mean regular like having family dinner at the table or doing laundry. Countless couples slowly forfeit their romantic lives as as their family grows. This is dangerous!

Tasks. You and your spouse simply want and need a little time to get a few seemingly insignificant tasks done. When we avoid the insignificant tasks, they grow into bigger and bigger tasks that eventually demand far too much attention. How many times have you procrastinated on your laundry or put off cutting the grass? Small tasks seem to grow when left alone.

Fun. Sure, you and your spouse have fun together - that falls in the romance category. This category is all about the personal fun you desire with friends or hobbies. It is a mental and emotional rejuvenator to have a little fun. That may be reading a book, going hunting with the guys or shopping with the girls.

It can be tough to pull all these things off, and that's why I suggest the "parenting pick and roll." Here's how it works...

Sit down together and talk about the five areas I've identified above. Make a plan. It will not be perfect at first, but make a plan anyway; you can tweak as you go. For each strategic time-slot, come up with a "parenting pick and roll" to make it work. For instance, in our home, I leave the house early in order to get my exercise in. My wife "sets the pick" by single handedly handling the kids for the morning routine. Likewise, a few times a month my wife has dinner with some friends and plays in a regular Bunko group with a bunch of ladies from church (according to them it is NOT gambling!). I stay home and "set the pick" with the kids and take care of the nighttime routine. My wife LOVES Bunko night. She needs Bunko night. I love seeing how a simple evening out refreshes her. Now, our marriage is not perfect by any stretch! We are still trying to define and establish some of the other categories, but we've started. You can too!

Do not be afraid to "set the pick" on your kids. You are not being a bad parent, in fact, it's quite the opposite! You are teaching them the importance of certain priorities. Your kids are selfish. They WILL take every waking moment of your lives, not to mention your money, for their purposes. It's your responsibility to help them see that your home does not revolve around them. The parenting pick and roll can become a marriage life saver! One thing your kids need is for Mom and Dad to have a GREAT marriage. You must embrace teamwork and help each other achieve a more healthy and vibrant life. It takes a commitment from both of you to "set the pick." Interestingly, those who "set picks" (i.e. take responsibilities to free up their spouse), discover a unique satisfaction when they "roll" off the pick knowing they served their mate. This adds invaluable strength to your marriage. GO, TEAM, GO!

Please leave your comments and ways you use the "parenting pick and roll" in your marriage.
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What memories are you making this year? Memories are made from the behaviors, attitudes and words you share during special times like the Holiday season. You will make memories whether you like it or not. The power of tradition. It's not a personality thing. It's not a religious thing. It's a principle of life thing. Every family gathers stories over the years of everything from the naughty to the nice. These become the memories that go with your children into adult life; they influence the traditions your kids will create in their families. My goal is to inspire you as a parent to be INTENTIONAL in every aspect of parenting. Creating memories is no exception.

Your greatest enemy during this season is stress. Nothing brings out stress like the holidays. There are countless demands on your time, finances, emotions and relationships. The kids are out of school which only adds to the excitement and the mess. Family is coming to town, or possibly worse, family lives in town!  Work demands only seem to grow as everyone realizes these are the last few weeks of the year. The danger in all this stress is the attitude that comes out, affecting every memory you are making. The result is not the collage of wonderful memories you had hoped for, instead you end up with memories of tension, impatience, disappointment and even hurtful experiences that take years to overcome.

Put yourself in your kids' shoes. What do they see in you? Do they see a mom that is enjoying family time or a mom that is nearing the end of her rope? Do they see a dad who is engaged or do they see a dad who is distracted, distant and cold? What is the atmosphere in your home? Here are a few reminders to help you create the kind of memories you want your kids to remember and repeat the rest of their lives.

1. Slow down. This is a time for relational connection, and we just can't do that when the pace is too high. Slow down and enjoy one another, even if those cookies don't get decorated or that project at work has to go on hold for a few days.

2. Laugh. Laughter is the glue of good memories. I want my kids to remember laughing a LOT in our home. If you have small kids, play, wrestle, tickle and tell jokes. If your kids are older, watch a classic Christmas comedy like National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation or Elf. If something goes wrong, laugh it off. Too many memories are trashed because someone is crying over a cake that has fallen or a gift that didn't make it in time. Take a deep breath and remember that the people around you matter more than the stuff.

3. Say, "Thank You." It's a natural response to thank someone for a gift when given; however, try to remember to take the extra step. Say, "thank you" for things unrelated to the gifts under the tree. Husbands, tell your wife you are thankful for her constant work to keep you, your kids and your home working smoothly. Wives, thank your husband for his hard work to provide for your family. Thank your children for the specific ways they bring life to your family. Be thankful! When you are thankful, you ensure everyone knows they mean more to you than the gift you will forget about in six months. In my experience, the phrase, "thank you" has far more power than even the phrase, "I love you."

4. Enjoy God's blessings. The official word here is "celebrate;" however, our society has skewed the meaning of this word from the good and biblical perspective I'm referring to. Lots of people will celebrate without giving God a single thought; however, we should celebrate by taking time to enjoy God's blessings. We should enjoy good food, drink and the gifts shared among loved ones as a means of recognizing God's blessings in our lives. "Saying grace" is more than a pre-meal tradition - it should be the heartfelt recognition that God has blessed us by His grace. Enjoying the new gadget you had on your Christmas list reminds us that all good things come from God for us to enjoy; What a gracious God we serve! Recognizing God's blessing also brings appropriate moderation to our celebration to keep us from the sins of gluttony, drunkenness or materialism.

5. Focus on Jesus. Unapologetically Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ our Savior and Lord. Don't miss the opportunity to elevate the proper focus of this time of year. Make it clear in your home that NOTHING trumps Jesus as the focus of the Christmas season. Here are some practical ways to focus on Jesus... 

• Attend a church service on Christmas Eve and actively include the family of God in your Christmas plans (I recommend Highpoint Church for those in the Memphis area).   
• Include giving to the less fortunate as a family to show God's love to all people.  
• Read the Christmas story directly from the Bible (I recommend reading Luke 2:1-20).   
• Take Communion (Lord's Supper) in your home with your family. This is the way Jesus told us to remember Him.

I truly hope you create some wonderful memories this Christmas. I would love to hear some of your Christmas memories from your childhood, and the ones you are making in your family!

I was recently asked by a loving wife to blog about the need for husbands to understand the importance of asking the question, "How can I help?" So, I've written this blog to reflect the comical and often true realities of husbands asking this question.

Marriage is in many ways an obstacle course you must learn to maneuver over time, particularly for husbands. Sometimes the more you learn, the more the course can change on you. One of those obstacles is represented by the question, "How can I help?"  On the surface this seems like an innocent question, but as you will see there is more than meets the eye on this one!

"How can I help?" We will begin with the simple translation, "I love you and would really like to ease some of the burden." It truly is life-giving for a husband to recognize when his wife is feeling overwhelmed and offer to ease the burden. I encourage this selfless approach as the standard operating procedure in all marriages; however, there's a catch. In most marriages "how" a husband might help is often a well known piece of information, or at least the wife thinks so. For instance, I know the answer to this question long before I ask my lovely wife, Amanda. It's very simple, the kids. Help with the kids. This means, if it's morning, help them get ready for school. If it's during the day, help with naps, picking up toys and keeping them from breaking things. If it's in the evening, help with baths, pj's, story time and bedtime. Granted, I'm a marriage guru, but it's easy to tell what she wants. Men, you really need to be careful asking how you might help since you should probably already know.

This brings up the inevitable question, "What if I really don't know?"  Well, that of course, could be the case from time to time. This unfortunate reality will likely lead to the helpful husband asking for some direction. Be careful guys! Asking for direction might come off as adding pressure and causing your wife to feel you are incompetent. This will only cause her to discount you as helpful and just do things herself. This only makes matters worse because your attempt to ease the burden only increased the burden and made her mad.

This scenario is fairly common, which leads to lots of tension. Due to increased tension, a husband may notice his wife stressed by the burdens of the day and instead of asking the question in a genuine and loving way he chooses a critical and sarcastic tone, "How can I help?!" This sends the clear message that he is not interested in helping at all. In fact, he is still hacked off because of the last time he asked he felt belittled and incompetent. This will usually get a spirited response from his wife. Needless to say, there is little helping going on.

So, as we wrap up this lesson in helpfulness, I will leave you with this advice I learned from a country song which should serve you well in this "Ridiculous Idea Called Marriage," a little less talk and a lot more action.

Today, I celebrate ten years of marriage with my wife, Amanda. I know ten years is not that long in the grand scheme of things, but I think it is wise to embrace wherever you are in the marriage journey. We are crossing ten years, and I couldn't be happier.

Over the years, I have learned some quite endearing things about my wife, things you can only really learn in a marriage. I hope you enjoy!

1. My wife is MORE beautiful today than ten years ago. I fully admit that one of the big reasons I married my wife was because she was so good looking. Like every guy, I wondered what the years would do to the beauty I married. I can say with NO exaggeration she is more beautiful today than ever!

2. She is addicted to Target. To me, when I see a Target store, I see an over-priced Wal-Mart. I'm not sure what's going on there, but that red logo keeps sucking her in.

3. My wife hates surprises, flowers and veggies. There are a few things that my wife just can't handle. #1 Surprises. She doesn't appreciate them, and they don't make her feel special. #2 Flowers. I'll never forget the day when Amanda said to me, "I don't really like getting flowers." This universal act of romance with these plants was lost on her. Looking back ten years and hundreds of dollars later, I'm grateful she clued me in when she did. #3 Veggies. She may muscle a piece of broccoli down to set a good example for the kids, but she ain't happy about it!

4. She is a tenacious learner. Whether it is a book about parenting, her Bible study for church or some bug our kids come down with, she is going to figure it out. She will research something until she finds out everything she can so she can make the best recommendations or decisions. My ego hates to admit it, but on many occasions it has been her input that has saved me from a bad decision.

5. Sometimes she fake smiles and sometimes she smiles for real, and I may be the only one that knows the real difference. The key is in her eyes. When her eyes smile, she's really smiling...and when she does it's my favorite smile.

6. She has horrible taste in coffee. Every day we make totally different coffee. I make 2 shots of espresso, and she makes hazelnut creme flavored coffee with hot chocolate powder in it. It's awful.

7. She is a great writer with great things to say. I have told her this for years, and I'm not sure she believes me yet. Just remember you heard it here first; one day she will be headlining a women's ministry conference or releasing her newest book, and I will be here to say, "I told you so."

8. She needs girl time. Possibly due to the extreme manliness I bring to the table, we have not been able to produce a girl among all our children. This creates a certain need for her to have some girl time, and I'm glad to give it to her. I could not imagine being the only man in a house full of girls, and she puts up with us boys well, but every so often she needs an estrogen escape!

9. She is my biggest supporter. When I have meetings or travel, she is the one handling the kids and the house and making sure our home continues operating. I get a lot of attention from what I do, and truth be known, I could not do what I do without her. We are a team, and that's why it works.

10. She is the best mom I know. We have four VERY active boys, one with special needs. Believe me, she has her hands full! Yet somehow they manage to stay fed, relatively clean and clothed - often in matching outfits. She drives her minivan with grace and speed. She kisses boo boos, reads stories, says prayers, tucks in, helps with homework and packs lunches, and she does most of that with a baby on her hip. Can she handle one more? We'll see!

Simply said, I love her!

Post your comments here.

I'm about to wrap up another series on marriage at Highpoint Church. I love teaching on marriage. The only problem is not everyone is married. I remember being a single adult. Frankly, in the frustration of wanting marriage but still waiting, I would roll my eyes at the announcement of yet another sermon on marriage.

From my years specializing in Singles ministry, I am very aware of the tension that a marriage sermon creates for singles. I know of many singles that simply opt out of church whenever marriage is the topic.  Let me say right off the bat, Singles, I understand your tension, frustration and the often insensitive approach the church takes toward singles. I remember being frustrated at comments like, "One day you will 'graduate' from the singles department." What is that!? Is marriage a graduation? Does marriage in some way make me more valuable? Singles, on behalf of all the insensitive and ignorant statements made by we preacher types - I am sorry.

Singles are NO LESS valuable than married people. Singles are NO LESS called to follow and serve God than married people. Singles should not be treated like adolescents...unless they act like it (which can also be very true of married people).  There are many singles that would gladly marry if there were quality opportunities. Many Christian singles choose not to marry because frankly the options available can appear far worse than staying single. I am so proud of singles that are making the most of their lives instead of waiting passively and waling around like they have been shafted by God.

I received a very encouraging email from a single guy in our church after one of my recent marriage sermons (click here to watch part 2 of A Ridiculous Idea Called Marriage). As you read it, you will see the maturity of this single adult not letting the topic of marriage keep him from receiving truth from God's word. I was so impressed with this response I had to share it. Singles, I hope you know the love I have for you and the respect I have for your stage of life. That being said, please don't let your singleness stand in the way of God's word speaking into your life. Allow this post to be the challenge you need to continue expecting God to do big things in and through your life - regardless of your marital status. 

"Sunday was such a powerful message. I have to admit, that I currently find myself being very content as a single man. Lack of contentment in Him lead me to rush into not one but two marriages, and selfishness and pride led me to allow those marriages to end. God’s mercy has led me to a deeper relationship with Him, one in which I find great satisfaction, and I am trying to reconcile the seeming contradiction between “it is not good for man to be alone”, and Paul’s exhortation in 1st Corinthians 7 where he says “an unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs, how he can please the Lord.”But let me get back to how awesome that message was Sunday. It was so very powerful and I didn’t realize until it was almost over the deep significance of it. Andy, the beautiful cycle you mentioned, 'choose the one, cheat the many, cleave together.' Well, it fits so perfectly in a real intimate relationship with Jesus...

Choose the one.  You said we should put out old flames and not play with fire, and this is so wise. When we choose Christ, the very One, we should lay our idols in the dust, and let Him teach us to live in a way that avoids picking up new idols. After all, we worship our idols in ways that are reserved for Jesus, just like we get satisfaction from “old flames” and “new fires” in ways we should be getting and giving to our spouses.

Cheat the many.  Making Him our number one priority is so wise. Choosing not to have hobbies, or habits, or attitudes, or relationships that interfere with a growing relationship with Him should be our goal. Having empty hands and hearts so they can be filled by Him, man that is good stuff! For a long time I tried to “be a good Christian man” and do it all for everyone, it was a disaster. Just like a married man can’t be there for everyone (even in good things) or his marriage will suffer, so my life hidden in Christ will suffer if I try to do everything. Choosing what’s best over what’s good is wise (where have I heard that before??lol!). We all know its intimacy with Him that is the very best.

Cleave together. Oh man. This was where the light dawned for me that this cycle you taught is my relationship with Him.

a. Time.  Lately, I have been learning to pray, and Saturday night I spent a lot of time with the Lord, and there was these few moments where I was truly filled with the Spirit and worshiping Him with great joy. I remember thinking that an hour of prayer is worth those few minutes. And then Andy, you said that you don’t believe in quality time, but that it takes quantity of time to get quality time. You don’t know when that quality time will occur. You can’t predict it. Well, that’s how it seems to be in prayer. It takes time with Him, lots of time to properly intercede for loved ones, to surrender, to experience Him in those moments that are too beautiful for words.
b. Talk. Learning to talk to Him, and learning to listen to Him, not only in official praying but a walking way, that has been a great joy. Its deepened my relationship with Him. Hearing from Him and responding, there is so much joy in it that words can’t do it justice.
c.Touch. An intimate touch from Him, its…more than satisfying. It just makes everything else seem to pale in comparison. I have been marveling at what He has spoken to me recently, that He loves me so much that next to me is not close enough, and that is one reason that He chose to live in me, because deep down inside, only there is close enough for Him.

Okay this has turned into another long email from me but I just wanted to say again how awesome this message was and just share with you some of what He has said to me. I love how He loves on us in specific and exclusive ways, and how He teaches us and binds us together."

Singles...this is how to listen to a marriage sermon! I hope this encourages you.

A few years ago I began assigning some "marriage homework" to couples that were facing difficulties in their marriages. The goal of the assignment was to help couples see that the only real way to grow in marriage is for each spouse to take personal responsibility for his or her contribution(s) to the problems. I have a core conviction regarding marriage problems and until you embrace this core conviction you will not get far in addressing problems in your marriage no matter how small or big.

Here's the core conviction: There is no such thing as a 1-sided marriage problem.

The only way to move toward problem resolution in marriage is to recognize that no matter what is going on in the marriage there are always two culprits. We have a nature bent toward selfishness and in marriage this is the highest evil. If a spouse refuses to agree with this core conviction there is always the damaging presence of self-righteous elitism. This leads to one spouse thinks he or she is better than the other. This creates an environment where blame is placed on spouse blamed for the problem and the other spouse in the passive position of waiting on "them" to "fix things."

However, when a couple agrees that there are always two people involved in every problem and move toward one another in humility and personal responsibility then regardless of how large the problem appears they can solve it, even in cases where there has been adultery, addiction or lying. If a couple refuses this critical approach, the problems can be relatively small and still sink the marriage.

The homework assignment requires you to get very comfortable with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Yes, this is the famous "love chapter" in the Bible. You probably heard it quoted at the last wedding you attended! Here it is again for a quick refresher...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Nearly everyone who reads this (Christian or not) agrees that this is a very good definition of the true nature of love. This passage reveals for us the way God loves, He is the ultimate definition of love. This definition becomes the standard by which all marital love is measured. This is our standard!  Now that we know our standard, we as individuals desperately need to evaluate how well we are loving our spouse.

The assignment goes like this...

Come into the light of God's word. Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. For each quality of love listed, for example, "love is patient..." ask God to show you all the ways you have been impatient toward your spouse. Be ruthless and write it down. Include those ways you are impatient in your mind as well as in your action. You may end up writing a paragraph or two. Continue through all sixteen qualities of love. Be honest and thorough. Leave no stone unturned.

Confess your sins to God. A simple definition of sin is "missing the mark." Now that your sin has been exposed by God's word confess that you are selfish and love poorly sometimes. Ask God to forgive you and to give you His definition of Love and the strength to love your spouse His way.

Confess your sins to your spouse. Yes, this is the hardest part. But, this is the game-changer in your marriage. Present to your spouse what you discovered from this exercise. Read it if you have to. Be sure to offer an apology to your spouse for how you have contributed to the pain or distance in your marriage because of your selfishness.

Commit to change. The final step is to make a commitment to change the unloving attitudes and actions in your marriage. The Bible calls this repentance. This is where you make the commitment to correct these ways that you now know cause problems in your marriage.

This is no easy assignment. However, this is a very practical and effective way to bring much needed healing to the sore spots in your marriage. For a more detailed explanation of this process I encourage you to watch part 3 of my series A RIDICULOUS IDEA CALLED MARRIAGE here.

Ok, social media is here to stay. One of my concerns is that we are on the front end of the curve of understanding the impact of social media on our lives. I have seen an alarming increase of marriage problems that center around the misuse or over-use of social media. I hear example after example of how an old girlfriend "just shows up" on Facebook, leading to a series of inappropriate messages, picture and even the affair that results from this little reunion. Let's not forget the examples of couples that spend an entire evening sitting two feet from each other on the same couch in the living room but worlds apart as they stare at their smart phones or laptops. It is not uncommon for couples to spend hours beside each other yet never speak. The worst part about this is, because of the interaction available through social media, there is a sense of engagement and fulfillment that leaves us somewhat content not engaging with the real live human beings sitting next to us.

So, how should a married couple deal with social media? Here are some "rules" or boundaries I suggest you consider to keep social media from threatening your marriage.

Rule #1. Put the phone down and walk away. Sit down with your spouse and decide when you as a couple need to put down the phones or computers. Remember, your spouse is the most important human relationship you have. This means you must be radical in how you address any threat to your marriage. Your spouse needs your full attention sometimes, so go ahead and put the phone over there where you can't just reach out and grab it every time it makes that custom tone or vibration when you get a notification of some kind. We need physical separation from the devices that foster connection with others so that we can devote real connection with our spouse.

Rule #2. Welcome your spouse into your social media world. I know, this scares some of you. If the idea of your spouse having access to your social media accounts scares you, then you are up to no good. "What about privacy," you say? You gave up privacy the day you got married. The Bible clearly tells us God's plan for marriage is to "become one." Don't be passive here. Actually invite your spouse in. Give them login and password information. Encourage them to feel free to browse about. The more we intentionally create openness, the more we reduce tension, fear and unhealthy curiosity.  You might even consider combining accounts to address concerns and promote the connection that defines you on the social media landscape as married.

Rule #3. Unfriend some people. You knew this was coming. Who is in your social media world that does not belong? There may be someone who represents a secret agenda to flirt, look at photos, reminisce or share personal information with. This is a violation of you marriage vows, plain and simple. Would your spouse approve of every person on your friend list? You may need you spouse's help to unfriend a few people. Some of you will protest this step on grounds that your spouse is "just jealous." My advice is, do it anyway. Jealousy (if it is truly the case) is not solved when you resist boundaries, you only exacerbate the problem. The more you apply these steps, the more trust is built, and trust is the only way to deal with jealousy.

Rule #4. Be overtly married. This is a practice I have employed for years. I make sure I include Amanda, my wife, in a variety of ways in my social media activity. I want to be sure there is no question that I am happily married. I accomplish this by posting picture of me and my wife together (see my current profile pic on Facebook). Think about when you walk into a social scene in person. If your spouse is with you, it is expected that you make introductions to people you meet. In fact, it is very rude and even hurtful when we forget to introduce our spouse. We should do the same on social media. This goes far beyond listing yourself as "married" in your profile. Your marriage should permeate every area of your life.

Rule #5. Honor your spouse with exclusive rights to your attention. This is by far the most radical step you can take. If you truly believe our marriage is the most important human relationship we have, then honor your spouse with exclusive rights to your attention. Try this, make the commitment to give more attention to your spouse than social media. Literally track this in minutes. if you typically spend two hours milling around on social media, give your spouse at least two hours and one minute. Make your spouse the definitive winner in the category of your attention. Obviously, this is not aimed at social media involvement that is related to work or when your spouse is not around. The big issue is the few possible minutes we do have to spend with each other is often robbed by our addiction to social media. If you only applied rule #5 your marriage would improve by leaps and bounds, don't believe me...try it for 1 week.

Do you follow any social media rules? I'd love to learn from you. Please share your comments here.

Nearly every married person has asked this question. The undeniable path to a successful marriage is the vital decision to "die to self." This is the most challenging decision any married person can make. We are conditioned by our sinfulness and society around us to fight for what we want. In fact, getting what we want becomes the unspoken yardstick for our satisfaction in marriage. If we are getting what we want, life is good. If not, we pout, payback and persecute our spouse to make sure they know how unhappy we are.

The problem is, your marriage will NOT improve by taking. You must decide to be a giver. The problem with choosing  to be a giver is our selfishness does not simply evaporate, so we struggle the entire way and usually end up asking this question..."What if I give and they don't?"  

There is no doubt this is a dilemma of relationships that none of us can avoid. Hear me clearly - there will be times when you give and your spouse doesn't. But remember, those tables can be turned at anytime. I have yet to meet a couple that is perfectly balanced in their giving. Selfishness is a nasty animal living within us. It takes constant work to "die to self." The fact that you will, at times, give with nothing in return only underscores the truest heart of love...giving with no strings attached. I know, this doesn't lessen the pain or frustration, but you have few options. The temptation is to hold back your giving (which is really holding back love) until your spouse starts to give; however, this is a selfish response only driving your spouse further from you. Selfishness simply doesn't work. Just think about it, would you be motivated to give to your spouse because they have been withholding love from you? No, the only option is a die-hard commitment to give. Love is not a feeling, a theory or a mindset...love is a CHOICE. The choice to give even when you get nothing in return. When we love like that, it's the closest thing to God's love we can produce, and it's the only possible path to positive change in marriage.

Marriage is a ridiculous idea. The idea that two selfish people can make love work is frankly absurd. The core issue in marriage is the simple fact that you are selfish, and you are married, will marry or were married to a selfish person. What would you want to see change in your marriage? I don't assume that everyone's marriage is hanging by a thread; however, I know lots of people with very boring and mediocre marriages, and that is bad enough!

Do you believe it is possible for you to have a great marriage? What would it be worth to you? Would you be willing to do something ridiculous?

This is the premise of a series of talks I'm giving at Highpoint Church over the next few weeks. I believe EVERY marriage has room to improve. To get there we have to decide who we're following. By default most of us follow the examples around us. Our parents, friends and even the marriages featured in media. The problem is most of these examples tend to lead us to fight to be happy. I'm not against being happy, but if my happiness is at all tied to my selfishness (which it is), then by definition, my quest for happiness fights against the health of my marriage. Make sense?

God invented marriage. By creative right, He alone knows knows what it takes to make it work. He alone knows what it takes for us to have the kind of marriage we all desperately want. And that's the rub. Having a great marriage is really about following God instead of the selfish quest for personal happiness. Trust me, I know the fear that lives here. This would mean risking not getting what I want, believing that God knows what is best for me. It's a big risk. It's ridiculous. And it's the only way to find ultimate satisfaction in marriage.

I hope you will be able to join us for this series. If you aren't able to come in person, the videos will be posted here. Consider this my personal invitation for you to move toward the marriage God has for you! Please go one extra step and send this blog entry to one friend you know that would benefit from this series. Thanks!

Post your comments here.

Comparison. Few things threaten the health and well-being of a marriage like comparison between spouses. It seems every couple goes through this like it's some evil right of passage in marriage. Unfortunately, many couples get stuck in a pattern of constantly comparing themselves with their spouse, creating years of pain, resentment and distance.

Here's how comparison works. As the natural complexity of life grows, so does the stress. Inevitably something doesn't get done. Some expectation goes unmet. And the battle ensues. It usually goes something like this...

Husband - "I work hard all day, and I just want to know what's for dinner. Is that too much to ask?!"

Wife - "YOU work hard! What do you think I do?!"

Husband - "I'm not sure. Obviously, you're not cooking dinner!"

Wife - "Give me a break. You go to work all day and get to do whatever you want while I'm here watching kids - I NEVER get a minute to myself!"

Husband - "You have no idea the kind of pressure I have at work. Then I come home and HELP you with the kids - no one helps me with my work!"

Wife - "You come home and watch TV is what you do. You don't help with the kids - I'm the one making lunches, doing laundry, running carpool, helping with homework and doing all the shopping."

Husband - "Where do you think all that money comes from to shop with? I'm the one supporting our family, is it so hard for you to see that?"

Wife - "Like you ever notice what I do! All you do is complain when you don't get your precious dinner when you walk in the door - I'm not your slave!"

I better stop before they say something they might regret! :)

Sound familiar? This is just one example of countless arguments we have in marriage where comparison wreaks havoc. Your situation may vary in detail. Maybe both of you work outside the home, adding another layer of complexity. Maybe you have a wide age gap among your children, pulling you in different directions. Maybe you have an undercurrent of financial stress that complicates everything. In every case, you find the comparison war.

I have coached many couples in the middle of the comparison war. The reality is, no one can with this war. If the comparison war is going to end in your marriage, you will have to take some radical steps...

1. Normalize complexity. Life has a way of growing more and more complex. Complexity leads to stress. Stress needs an outlet. When you feel stress, it is time to proactively talk about it together. Normalize the fact that you are running in too many directions. Admit you have too much going on. Share the sources of stress with your spouse without blaming them for it. One of the primary reasons we fight with our spouse is to make them understand where we're coming from, to feel our pain. The problem is, we end up accusing them and putting them on the defensive. Remember, life is complex, and we must be able to accept that reality without placing blame.

2. Tackle problems together. Using the illustration above, I would tell this couple to schedule a time to meet when they can have some uninterrupted conversation. Identify what expectations are not being met with the understanding that you will tackle them together. You may have to write them down. So, with our pretend couple, the wife is receiving all the blame for the lack of dinner on the table. Instead, the couple should identify the complexity that surrounds the preparation of dinner, like the kids going crazy after school, the growing laundry demands and attempts to get homework done together. By recognizing the complexities, you can devise a plan TOGETHER to accomplish the end goal. For instance, the couple could start weekly meal-planning so the shopping and prep is pre-determined. The wife may be able to set out everything for dinner, and the husband may be able to cook dinner when he arrives home. This allows the wife to keep the laundry moving and help the kids with homework. In your case, you may discover that one or more extra curricular activities need to be stopped. You may consider preparing meals on the weekend that require little more than reheating. Consider your options creatively and work together!

3. Validate one another. Everyone wants to be validated. In a marriage, validation is the one thing everyone wants but hesitates to give. Husbands, admit it, your wife ABSOLUTELY works every bit as hard as you, and you would not want to have her job!  Wives, admit it, your husband ABSOLUTELY works every bit as hard as you and you would not want his job. Both of you contribute to the well being of your marriage and family. Validate whenever possible. Recognize the way your spouse adds value to your lives. Compliment your spouse when you see them handling extra responsibilities either at home or on the job.

4. Give your best. Always give 100% in your area of contribution to your marriage and family. Men, don't dawdle getting out of the office - when work is over for the day, hurry home and be a contributor. Wives, if you work in the home, be diligent. Set high expectations for your work at home. When you give your best, it will result in building trust and confidence between the two of you. If you know you aren't giving your best, then make a change and start giving your best to your marriage NOW.

Practice these steps faithfully and you will see an end to the comparison war.
I would love to hear your comments, post them here.

Last week, I endured one of the most challenging weeks in my ministry career. Most of it surrounded the tragic death of Jackson May, a one year old boy in our church. In addition, i was responsible for a weekend training event, a wedding, teaching two Sunday services and preparing for the kickoff of our Tuesday morning discipleship class. Needless to say, my schedule was thrown out of the window. I just had to get it all done.

Meanwhile back at the ranch...my wife.
The often overlooked saints in ministry are the wives of pastors and leaders (for that matter, the wives of men everywhere!). Last week, my wife showed me again her understanding of my calling, my responsibilities and the nature of tragedy. All week, she absorbed my absence at home and took care of our kids and our house flawlessly. I was able to devote unusual time and energy to ministry needs because of her quiet commitment and support. Unlike many stories I have heard in my years of ministry of men whose wives who seemed to resent the ministry, my wife did not complain once, not once. She didn't even do that frustrated sigh that she does. Nothing!

Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." Last week,  I was reminded that I do have a "good wife" and have received "favor from the Lord." My wife's ministry to me and our children is just as valid and just as important as my ministry outside of the home. I get a lot of credit because i have a fairly public presence. But don't let the "lights, camera and action" fool you, Amanda is no less called, no less committed and no less Spirit led. I can't imagine my life without her. I don't tell her enough, but she is a God-send and I thank God for her.

I hope the husbands reading this blog will take time to recognize the unique ministry and giftedness of their wives. Tell them, honor them, support them. I also hope wives reading this will allow my wife to be an example of a good and godly wife for you.

I highly recommend you follow my wife on twitter @4savageboys - especially if you are a mom with kids!

Post your comments here.

 

The other day I received a random email from a friend that included a suspicious link. Guys, you know what I'm talking about. Somehow, my friend's email address was used to send me a link to some website that undoubtedly contained some kind of inappropriate images. Thankfully, I did NOT click.

Whether it be an email, on Facebook or via Twitter - you will get what I call a UFO, an "unidentified failure opportunity." Men, don't be foolish. Don't take the bait. These are serious threats to your purity, your relationship with your wife and your relationship with God. The moment you decide to live for God these UFOs will become a lot more obvious and a lot more frequent.

You will find that UFOs will come in the form of commercials on TV or even a racy scene in a show or movie. Your purity is too valuable to allow these opportunities to cause purity failure in your life. Change the channel, don't click or walk out of the movie. In my life, I've taken some steps to help stop UFOs.  

My wife is my ally in purity - she knows to change the channel when something inappropriate comes on. We check movie listings for content before even trying to go to a movie. It's better not to go than to debate in the moment whether or not to stay. Needless to say, we see very few movies. I don't click on emails or links that are not clearly identified. So, if you send me an email without a good subject line or explanation in the body, I'm not reading it. While I'm on the subject, I don't read cute stories or forwards that promise me stuff for reading or passing on to my list. On Facebook and Twitter, if you are inappropriate, I will unfriend you or unfollow you. In public settings, I will even dismiss myself if conversations become out of hand or if there is a lack of modesty.

All this being said, I will tell you that after years of taking these steps of purity, I have grown much stronger in my fight with UFOs. By no means am I free from danger, but I am far stronger than I was five or ten years ago. Now, much of my approach to purity is not based on a fear of failing but rather a genuine desire for my life to reflect Christ and to be filled with the things of God. I hope you will take up the fight against "unidentified failure opportunities!"

Post your comments here.

"We just don't talk anymore."
"We're just not as affectionate anymore."
"It feels like we're living two different lives."
"I love my spouse, but it feels more like we're roommates than husband and wife."

These are examples of what many couples face each day in marriage. Not everyone is on the brink of divorce, many times couples are are just slowly drifting apart. Why does this happen?

I believe couples often underestimate the impact of their lives growing complicated as the years come and go. In the midst of all that happens each day with careers, kids, hobbies and chores, marriage can feel like an obstacle course that you are simply trying to survive in. By the time the day winds down, you find yourself vegged out in front of the TV to get a few minutes of mindless peace. The problem is, the one issue that that desperately needs attention and remains a source of frustration is your marriage.

Let me normalize this issue. You are not alone. If you have been married for more than 5 years and have at least one child, you know exactly what i'm talking about! We've all been there, including me. So, what do we do?

1. "Become friends with reality." Henry Cloud uses this phrase in his book Necessary Endings and I love it! "We must recognize that our lives are an obstacle course!" We all have tons to do. This is reality. Sometimes it means we must recognize ways that we are over-committed and make hard choices to reduce some activity in our lives. Try to identify one or two activities that seem to be robbing your marriage and make a change. For many of us, especially those who have multiple kids, this is life until you send them off to college!

2. Keep your eyes on the prize. Every day, remember that at the end of this obstacle course is a prize. That prize is the person you have committed your life to "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health"...no matter how many hurdles you have to jump! You must decide to make your spouse your prize - not the couch and TV at the end of a long day. Often, the last big obstacle at the end of the day is the umph to start a conversation or the "intentional cuddling" every marriage needs.  This prize may not get you the extra hours of sleep you want. It will give you the peace of knowing your are connected with your spouse and this is a life-giving force to get up and start the race again tomorrow!

3. Don't quit too soon. For many couples, taking these steps means changing from a well worn routine at home. Your spouse may not respond at first. You may get the confused and frustrated question, "What are you doing?" Do it anyway! Do it again tomorrow. Don't quit. Remember, changing our patterns takes time but that is the only way to reclaim the marriage you once had and always hoped you'd keep.

Everyone knows that marriage is hard work which means you will need a strong "marriage work ethic" to enjoy marriage the way God intended.  There will always be obstacles to having and enjoying a God-centered marriage; be ready to jump, dodge, tuck and roll or whatever you have to do to make your marriage a great one!

What obstacle is keeping you and your spouse from truly connecting?
What are you going to do to overcome the obstacle?

Post your comments here.

 

I LOVE making my kids sick. Before you call Child Services, hear me out. Here's an example of what I do. First, I get their attention. Then, I take my wife in my arms, and I plant a huge SMOOCH right on her lips! My kids go nuts. They cover their eyes and yell at me to, "Stop it!" which only instigates me to do it all the more.

Do you make your kids sick? As silly as it sounds, it is vital that children grow up watching mom and dad show affection to one another. We live in a world where the image of marriage is constantly under attack, and it is your job (if you are married) to show your kids a different story when it comes to love and affection. Far too many kids grow up without a positive view of marriage; so when they get older they attempt to experience marital benefits without getting married. You are giving them a vision for the future. Show them the kind of marriage they will want to work hard to find for themselves.

Most parents have no trouble loving on and showing affection to their kids. You play with them, hug them and kiss them. How about with your spouse? Has the stress of life squeezed out the affection from your marriage? Not only does your marriage need it, your kids need to see it! You marriage is literally a foundation that you loan your children to build their lives on until they become old enough and hopefully stable enough to launch out in life on their own. If your marriage is weak, your kids can feel it! As your love and affection suffers in your marriage, they cant help but wonder if they are next. Will you lose that love and affection for them? After all, they have lots of friends that watched a divorce shatter their family.

The impact of the simplest acts of affection between a husband and wife in front of their kids has immense value. Make the decision right now to initiate some affection with your spouse - don't wait, do it today!

Here are some ideas to make your kids sick...
1. Husbands, while your wife is doing dishes, surprise her by taking her in your arms and giving her a long and passionate kiss. Be careful she isn't washing the knives!
2. Wives, As your husband stand next to the counter flipping through the mail, wrap your arms around him from behind and lay your head on his back.
3. Husbands, as your wife passes you in the living room, reach out and "goose" her on her .....
4. Wives, with everyone gathered around watching TV, walk in and jump in your husband's lap.

What other ideas do you have?

Post your comments here.

 
In every marriage there is a secret knowledge. Well, maybe not so secret, but a knowledge that you have about your spouse. Sure, maybe a few others know it, but it's a knowledge that carries power in your relationship. I call it the "one thing." There is one thing your spouse loves. This one thing could be anything, but it is specific to your spouse, and it is probably not the same thing for both of you. Perhaps it's having dinner in a special restaurant, a surprise gift for no reason or recognizing their accomplishments. The list could go on and on. 

What is your spouse's "one thing?" The funny thing is, you don't have to think really hard - you already know what it is! Here's the challenge: do it! Do the one thing. Go out of your way to bless your spouse. You know one thing for sure, they will love it. So often in marriage we do things because we hope to get something in return. This is not God's plan for marriage. God wants us to learn that the path to a healthy marriage is paved with giving; no strings attached. 

Why do you hesitate to bless your spouse? Why would you not want to do the "one thing?" I assure you that nearly every answer you come up with for avoiding this kind of giving is purely selfish on your part. Maybe you are afraid they will expect more? Maybe you fear not being recognized or rewarded for what you've done? Maybe you are simply waiting for your spouse to do it first and then you will give in return?

Lay your selfishness aside and do the "one thing" this week, if possible. Do it more than once if possible. Go out of your way to bless and honor your spouse!

Please leave your comments here.

 

This week someone sent me a quote from a guy in our church. His name is Stein Lee. Yea, it’s a strange name. He was named after a German Olympic skier from the ‘50s. But the quote was worth passing along to you…

“What the world calls a ‘man cave’ is for boys. The true ‘man cave’ is the prayer closet. This is where men do their greatest work.”

One of the greatest challenges in the Christian life, at least in my Christian life, is the call to pray. It seems like everyone struggles in their prayer life and we all feel a little guilty about it.

This past Sunday, I taught a message directed to men as part of the Hero series on this very topic. I made the assertion that trusting God is most revealed in our prayer life. All the church-goers I know say they trust God but rarely find that trust expressed in consistent and persistent prayer.

I’ve been doing a lot of study on Biblical manhood and it seems that one of the greatest hurdles for men in their walk with God is the pressure to feel “man-enough.” Our society has conditioned us to believe that being a “real man” is about self-sufficiency and independence. However, these are qualities that God has no place for. These qualities that seem to make men successful in virtually every area of life become a serious handicap in developing a vibrant relationship of faith in God.

In the Christian life, prayer is essential and central, not peripheral and optional. In fact, the Christian life is marked by a word we don’t hear as much as we need to these days…Lordship. Jesus is our Lord, which means He is our master, leader, boss, etc. Prayer is one if not THE primary way we declare Jesus as Lord. Remember the Roman centurion that approached Jesus in Matthew 8? His servant was sick and he could not fix the problem.  This “man’s” man was facing a circumstance he could not control or fix. His response was remarkable – he came to Jesus and asked for His help. Jesus very simply said, “ok” (Andy’s paraphrase). This centurion goes on to show just how deep his faith in Jesus was by declining Jesus’ offer to come to his house and heal this servant. Instead, he appeals to Jesus’ ability to do the impossible and heal by simply giving the word! This is remarkable faith – even Jesus thought so.

Men, specifically allow me to encourage you to make it part of your “manhood” vision to be a man of prayer. Pray with your wife, with your kids, and as you start the day. Pray before that important meeting. Maybe even redefine your idea of a “man-cave” as that place you go to trust God in prayer.

To watch or listen to this message on “Trusting God,” click here.

Please leave your comments here.

Last Tuesday, June 14th at 8:17pm, my fourth son Ford Neil Savage was born. Obviously, we are happy and proud parents and obviously my wife looks awesome 5 minutes after delivery!

However, this brings up a very pertinent issue in most families and organizations, how do you handle new arrivals? With every positive change you gain something and you lose something. As we are entering into this “new arrival” phase in our family, I thought I would be good to share some advice in handling this sort of change.

1. Change happens. There is no avoiding it. When things are healthy they grow and change. For instance, a business that is healthy will experience success and face pressure to deliver in an environment of greater demand. In a family a new member (in our case) or something such as moving will create unique pressure points and stress that can frustrate everyone. Because things are good, we usually don’t see the need to adjust, after all everything is healthy. This is where we need a good dose of reality – change happens. It must continue to be healthy.

2. Change hurts. There is always pain involved in adjusting to changes. Every change represents a gain and a loss. It is important to grieve your losses. In our family we are grieving the loss of sleep! A new child brings tons of new issues that disrupt the way things were. We celebrate the gain of a beautiful baby boy but also watch as our other children are all dealing with the addition in their own way. One of my children is still very uncomfortable around the baby. He is grieving the loss of his understood place in the family. This is also true in the marketplace. A growing business means expanding the workforce or changing someone’s job description. There is always pain involved. Sometimes a personal weakness is exposed that reveals further changes that must be made. I love what Henry Cloud says, “hurt doesn’t mean harm.” Sometimes it’s the process of “hurting” that allows us to absorb the change and move past our weaknesses and continue growing. Through the process, be sure to acknowledge that changes cause a little pain.

During this season in our family I see at least four painful issues we must address…

• We must address our daily routine. Moving from 3 kids to 4 is a bigger jump than it sounds. Our daily routine has little room for disorganization or disarray.
• We must up our hustle. With an infant around it is easy to give our attention to him and forget that we have three other heathens running around. My wife and I must up our hustle to be the good parents all of our children need.
• We must acknowledge fatigue, impatience and errors. We aren’t sleeping as much as we’d like and our judgment and patience suffers. Therefore we must admit when we need help and when we’re wrong.
• We must not forsake life-giving disciplines. We need to spend time with God, we need to eat well and exercise, we need to stay connected in our marriage and with friends and we need rest. When one of these suffers you can feel it! When all suffer you are on the brink of burnout. Each of these steps involves some pain, but like we’ve always heard, “no pain, no gain!”

3. Change heals. Like most parents, it’s always hard to predict how you will feel about a child you don’t even know yet. Like most parents, I chose to love my son long before he was born, because that’s what good dads do. But I would catch myself wondering if I would love him like I do my other boys. The truth is this “new arrival” will soon no longer be new. He will be a part of our family like everyone else. And if we handle this season of “new arrival” well we will reach the day that we cannot imagine life any differently. This is the goal of handling change. We must be patient and gentle in the process but we must commit to the necessity of change in our lives. Deep down no one wants their family, marriage, or career to be in the same place a year from now. Yet, we tend to resist change. One day you will see with clarity that the changes you embrace and endure now become the foundations of health in the future.  

I pray this will help you handle the "new arrivals" in your life. Please post your comments here.

Please enjoy this entry from guest blogger, Casey Young. Casey is a great friend and lay-pastor in our church. I am always challenged by Casey's heart to challenge men to be, as he calls it, "Men of God." I hope you enjoy and pass this along to a friend!

Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”   Iron sharpens iron. What a great analogy we have from the Word of God. Several examples of this come to mind, but one that helps clarify this is a lawn mower blade. After much use, these blades become dull and worn out. It’s a good idea at the beginning of each grass-cutting season to sharpen the blades. If the blades are not sharpened, they will still be able to cut grass, but they may do so unevenly. The grass may not be cut as well because dull blades sometimes bend the grass as opposed to cutting it. The point is that without sharpening the blades, they will not be able to completely fulfill their intended purpose.

Just like lawnmower blades, men become dull and worn out after much use. Life and responsibility wears on you and is a drain on you physically, mentally, emotionally, and especially spiritually. It’s wise to be sharpened on a regular basis.  

Interestingly, this is not a commandment from Scripture, but rather included in the wisdom literature, which says to us that we would be wise to heed these words. Men who live in isolation from other men are not fulfilling their spiritual walk. They are not as sharp as they could be.  

“So one man sharpens another.” One on one. Men’s groups are great. However, every man needs a trusted friend that can be counted on to provide the sometimes-painful challenge to keep him sharp.  There is a clarification that needs to be made.  When iron sharpens iron, sparks fly! Have you ever taken a grinder to a lawnmower blade?  Sparks are everywhere. When men meet for sharpening, it is not a time to simply chat about the weather, investments, sports, or hobbies. It is a time to roll up the sleeves and talk openly and honestly about your spiritual journey. It’s a time to deal with the areas of our lives that have become dull and purposeless. Sometimes, sparks need to fly in healthy ways.    

Life Reflection: Where have you become dull and purpose-less? When was the last time another man you trust looked at you in the face and challenged you to be the man God made you to be?  
Life Response: May the commitment to find a trusted friend who can “sharpen” you. Remember he needs you as much as you need him.

A single guy, who was obviously eager to figure out the secret to discovering romance, recently asked me this question, “What do women want in a man?” He actually wanted me to help him with this research project by asking some of the young ladies in our church’s singles group to provide some insight. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this question. I’ve spent a good portion of my ministry life working with young singles and this question, and other questions like it, comes with the job not only from the men but often the women as well.

Let me explain why I think this is a terrible question. Although I could spend equal time on both sides of this issue, I’m going to target my efforts toward men, since men are still the primary drivers of romance, at least based on the models we see in Scripture.

There is no denying the “urge to merge” among young single adults. I believe God has hard-wired the desire for romance into humanity. Only in cases of major dysfunction is this romantic desire not there or in some way perverted. This desire drives men and women together as predictably as death and taxes.

In my experience with young singles, in the quest for romance there is a subtle insecurity that creeps in and becomes the basis of this terrible question. In the case from above, the man, filled with a desire for romance, is paralyzed by a fear of rejection, and he sets out to educate himself on women in a move of almost creepy self-protection. This self-protecting mentality undermines God’s best for romance. The result is essentially idolatry. Instead of asking the best question, “What does God want from me as a man,” he is choosing to place the burden on a woman to determine his approach and character. The scary part is considering what this guy or other guys might do if they learned what women want. Imagine the potential for manipulation and deceit. A man taking on a false persona to land a woman is a sick and frightening thing.

I understand the pain of rejection and dislike it as much as the next guy; however, if you claim to be Christian man then you must live by the standards of Scripture and the example of Jesus. If women want that kind of man, then you will have romance. If not, you may consider it suffering for Jesus. In the end, I think you will find, and I believe many women would agree, that a man who lives by conviction is far more attractive than the alternative. In those cases where women “just aren’t into you” as a Christian guy, take your rejection with class and stay committed to Jesus.

Please post comments here.

Every time I walk into the gym for my workout I get the sense that I’m in a growth process that goes beyond my physical fitness. If we would simply pay attention a little more I think we would all see that our regular, everyday routine offers rich life lessons to help us grow.

Is growth on your mind? I don’t want to assume that you already consider your life to be a growth process. However, I would bet that at different times you give some serious thought to where your life is going. I absolutely love taking time to think through the future of my life. I usually don’t think too far out, but Ilike to fast-forward a bit and get a vision for where my life is going. If I don’t like it then I have to decide what needs to change. This is what it means to view life as a growth process. I urge you to take some time regularly to look ahead and decide if you like where your life is headed or not. If not, make a change.

Making a change is hard. Understatement of the year, right? Change can be very difficult. We are creatures of habit and those habits run deep! Which brings me back to my experience this week at the gym. I work out under the guidance of a trainer. Every time I go to the gym, I face a trainer. I have adopted this approach because I have realized that I will not reach my goals without help. If I can reach my goals without help, I have a goal setting problem. I need goals that push me past what I think I can do. This particular day, at two different instances in my work out, my trainer yelled at me to push through and continue the work out when it was obvious I wanted to quit. My trainer understands my goals; he is a partner in my growth process. I have imported a motivating voice because I know I will quit too early and end up frustrated because I failed to reach my goals. This is why he yelled at me. I needed it.

You need it too. Not only to reach fitness objectives but in your spiritual disciplines, your marriage, your parenting and your career goals. Who yells at you? Have you imported key relationships to help you accomplish what you would otherwise give up on? Here are some questions to begin making change in your life…

1. What area of my life needs change?
2. What is a goal for this needed change that is just beyond my reach?
3. Who will I import into this change process to“yell at me” so I do not quit?

If you are serious about change identify the goal and find someone who cares enough to yell at you!
FYI... I love my gym so I will shamelessly promote it for any who are in the Memphis area... CrossFit Bartlett.

Please post your comments here.

Photo courtesy of Sophorn Ncrae © 2011 // norococo.blogspot.com

My wife suggested we have a date night, so I made a few suggestions based on the gift cards I knew we had. I began with a personal favorite, Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. We so rarely get to enjoy a place like this, and we had a gift card! She declined. I then offered another great steakhouse, Fleming’s, where we also had a gift card. She declined. It’s not all the time you have two gift cards in your possession to such nice places! Then I decided I’d step down to some places where we have partial gift cards – you know the left over amount you cant remember. “Chili’s?” “No.”  “How about Outback,” I said, “no,” she said. Now I’m getting nervous because I know there’s a few bucks left on an Olive Garden card, and things were getting desperate, so I pray, “God please help us!”

Suddenly she declared, “I want atmosphere!”  You have to understand that living with my wife is kinda like living with Dave Ramsey.  I thought I was simply doing my duty to honor our budget and utilize the low cost options via gift cards…and hopefully a nice filet mignon. But this time things were different. She was pregnant, home with three kids all day and she wanted atmosphere! We made our way to a nice little place in Midtown Memphis called the Beauty Shop, an old beauty shop converted into a restaurant, which so happens to offer…atmosphere.

Marriage requires flexibility. Our selfishness fights against flexibility with our spouse because flexing means we won’t get our way or at least not everything we expected.  So, we cling to rules and try to ensure our expectations are protected. A God-honoring marriage requires us to die to our selfishness. Your willingness to be flexible with your spouse will strengthen your relationship and understanding of one another. Remaining flexible allows you to see the small but important opportunities to bless your spouse. Who knows, you might discover a little atmosphere along the way.

Please share your comments here!

Yesterday was my wife’s birthday. And no I will not reveal her age even if you ask me 35 times. I have recently noticed the jokes on Twitter about pastors, especially those Acts 29 guys always referring to their wives as “hot” or number of other romantic superlatives.  I can definitely see the cheesy-ness of this and at the same time would rather read pastors praising their wives than not. Also, I realize that my wife reads my blog (maybe my only faithful reader) so for the record…my wife is hotter than your wife.

Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. (NIV)”

I think it is vitally important for men, especially those of us in roles of spiritual leadership to model this principle in our lives. I realize not all men agree with this Proverb and my have the scars to prove it! However, the point remains that a wife is a “good thing” from God and a means of God’s favor in our lives as husbands. With our wives I think it is important to consider some practical ways to treat our wives in light of this verse.

1. Believe the best about her. This means resisting the urge to be critical or skeptical of her motives. It means believing in her as she grows and matures through life. It means actually believing you have a “good thing” in her.

2. Speak the best about her. NO ONE should speak more highly of a woman than her husband. We must look for opportunities to bless her with our words in her presence and when she is away; in private and in public. (No you don’t have to be an Acts 29 pastor to do this.)

3. Look for the best from her. God will use a wife to bless or give favor to a husband. We should be looking for God’s favor to come through our wives. We need to pay attention (look and listen) to our wives for God’s direction, conviction and favor.

4. Give your best to her. Husbands you ought to be the “lead servant” in your home. You should look for ways to give your best to your wife. Don’t give her your leftover energy; give her your best. This applies also to your character when she is not around. Giving your best is never an “act” it is a genuine servant-spirit toward your wife.

I am personally still learning in each of these. Even as I write them I am convicted of ways I fail in each one. I have a long way to go as a husband. I am thankful to God for my wife and the favor she brings my life and the lives of my boys. Happy Birthday babe.

Thanks for reading, Please leave your comments and share this with a friend!

A few years ago I was challenged by this statement, "the difference in the men and the boys is how one handles his time." I absolutely believe this. I say this humbly and gratefully, for with God's help and blessing, I am very good at managing my time and priorities. It doesn't necessarily come naturally, however. Here are some things I do to manage the time God gives me.

1. Consider the season.

Schedules must change with the season of life you are in. I am a father of soon to be four little boys, age seven and under. This means that around 4:30 every afternoon, chaos breaks out in my home. I have made adjustments in my schedule to be home as close to 4:30 each day as I can. Some days it is simply not possible, but as a rule I aim for 4:30. It is more important for the well-being of my family to have me around in the late afternoon than for me to be around in the early morning. I start my day very early, usually before anyone is up and going at my house. In addition, we do very little outside of our home on week nights, because our kids are small and have early bedtimes. We can't do what we did when we didn't have kids. This is the season we are in. You must adjust to the stage of life you are in.

2. Use the technology that works for you.
I am kinda techy. I know some of you are not. Thanks to Google, my calendar is available on my computer, phone and most importantly, my wife's phone. This allows us to stay on the same page. If you are not techy, use a paper calendar - do not fall for the lie that it must be digital. Use what works. I used a Daytimer paper calendar for years and was extremely effective with it. By the way, the number one problem with a calendar is not the presence or absence of technology; it's whether or not you look at it or not!

3. Stop priority slippage
This is where most people lose control. They allow priorities to be compromised. This is because they do not truly understand priorities. Priorities require intentionality to remain priority. It's about predetermining the commitment and taking away the decision. You simply do it. However, most people end up with "priority slippage." The result is you give A-level attention to B, C or D-level priorities. Then you regret it. There is no getting around identifying your priorities and fighting for them with all you've got. It's not a priority if it doesn't have a predictable time-slot. If you begin to see "priority slippage" regroup and come back to what matters most.

4. Just say "NO"
This is one of the most difficult words in the English language for people to say. Practice if you must. I get tons of requests for my time. What I have learned is that my priorities (God, family, exercise, etc.) do NOT request my time, they assume they have my time. If you find your priorities are requesting your time, then you have neglected your priorities. I say, "NO" to the majority of the requests for my time. I know that sounds harsh, but it is the only way I can give my priorities what they assume is already theirs. We all have difficulty saying "NO" to requests for our time; however, it is essential if you wish to manage your time well.

5. Active maintenance
I am ruthless in maintaining balance and purpose in my schedule. I make midstream adjustments and keep the pulse on how my time is being used. Time is a perishable resource, and I am responsible for using it well. I believe God will hold us accountable in how we use our time. Keep your eyes on it and actively maintain priorities and balance. A full schedule does not and should not equal a busy, hectic or imbalanced schedule. I have a very full schedule but I refuse to live in the overwhelming stress of mismanaged time. Work on it!

I hope this helps. I would love to hear from others who have learned great time-management tips. Please post them here. I'm still learning too!

The term that has become embraced by so many regarding listening is “active listening.”  Active listening reminds us that listening is not a passive activity.  This is the deceptive thing about listening is that fact that we can hear without any effort at all.  Our ears are built to take in noise.  Active listening brings mental attention and effort toward understanding the person speaking.  This is far more than simply hearing them.   

When you think about active listening you should think first how you would want someone to listen to you.  Jesus teaches us in Matthew 7:12 “…do to others what you would have them do to you…” This is what is commonly called the Golden Rule.  As simple as active listening sounds it is very hard work.  There are times when I engage in active listening with my wife or a couple I’m coaching or a friend and I come away exhausted.  The reason is active listening is a process of active selflessness.  The reason we have so much trouble listening is because we are literally obsessed with our thoughts, opinions and agendas.  Active listening communicates to the speaker that you value them.  This is why active listening is a crucial communication tool for marriages.   

You may discover that your communication problems in your marriage have more to do with listening than talking.  When we experience difficulty in communication we usually address the problem in the most ineffective ways.  Think about the last time you were trying to communicate with someone who did not speak your language.  What did you do?  If you are like most Americans, you simply turned up the volume!  Talking more and louder does not necessarily improve communication.  Parents often face this dilemma with their kids.  Experts will say raising your voice and repeating yourself is not the solution to every communication problem.  When parents get on the same level as their children, speak in a normal or soft tone and touch them communication almost always improves. Likewise in marriage, talking more and louder is rarely the solution; the solution we should try first is active listening.  

When you think of good marriage communication try to remember to L-I-S-T-E-N.  
1. Limit distractions.  We live in a world that engages our senses at every turn.  Make an effort to limit those distractions and narrow your attention to your spouse.  Turn off the TV, sit up straight and try to ensure there is appropriate light (this helps with face to face communication).  Do what it takes to focus on your spouse so you can truly listen to them.  When it comes to good communication we don’t want our spouse to be one of many noises around us.  

2. Intentional posture.  It’s amazing to recognize how God has created us.  The primary mechanisms of communication exist on our faces.  Think about it.  The mouth, eyes and ears are all situated to receive communication best from another person in the face-to-face posture.  In marriage you should be intentional to posture yourself to create face-to-face communication whenever possible.   

3. Show understanding.  As your spouse is speaking give clues that you are following and understanding.  This is done by nodding, asking clarifying questions and murmuring the “uh-huhs” and “um-hmms” that show you are with them the whole way.  This responding should be done in conjunction with face-to-face body language or you may find yourself mindlessly murmuring to you spouse and you both know you weren’t listening!  

4. Take criticism well.  Sometimes the topic of conversation is a criticism of you.  If so, take it well.  Make it your practice to listen, without being defensive, to the criticism of your spouse.  Thank them for being honest and giving you feedback.  It may be painful but helpful words.  Be wise and take those words to heart.  Your spouse may be on to something and you may be facing a wonderful opportunity to grow.  If after honest evaluation you feel your spouse is misinformed or wrong about you, stage a conversation to share the inaccuracies but always with humility and grace.  

5. Eliminate self-promotion. The temptation in a conversation is to look for ways to express your own opinions, experiences or ideas.  The result is failure to listen while we devise our next statements or judgments of our spouse’s statements before fully hearing them out.  It is important to your spouse to be fully heard before adding your “2-cents” to their statements.   When we turn conversations into self-promotion we leave our spouse feeling unheard.  

6. Nurture respect.  Active listening should be a respectful process between you and your spouse.  Nurturing this respect means resisting the urge to offer uninvited solutions or answers to problems or questions.  Sometimes your role is simply to listen and not solve anything.  Allowing our spouse to struggle through a problem can actually make them feel very valued and respected.  If they need your help they can ask. The better your listen, the more willing they will be to ask when the time comes, because they feel respected by you.

I hope this makes sense and helps you in whatever relationship you have that needs to regain the lost art of listening!

I believe there are two types of people when it comes to Christmas; those who love family gatherings and those who would rather have their eyeballs scratched out by a ware-wolf.  Well, that could be an exaggeration; however, it is often the case that family represents much of what is good, and not so good, about the holidays.  In a marriage, this is an issue you must be intentional to deal with, or the people you love to spend the holidays with will become the people your spouse hates to spend the holidays with.  I cannot tell you how many couples I have met with who are at their wits end with one another because of extended family members, AKA the in-laws!  This problem is only accentuated during the holiday season.

You know the routine.  You make plans in an effort to make everyone happy.  You try to schedule just enough time for everyone to see the kids or share a meal together or have you over to stay at THEIR house. The only problem is - the most miserable people end up being you and your spouse!  Here are a few tips to keep your holiday season a little less naughty and a little more nice.

1. Decide on a plan together.
Everyone has expectations on how holidays should work.  The key is being able to share those expectations and validate those of your spouse. If you are already in agreement, carry on. If not, take time to compromise until you find a plan you can both believe in. When my wife and I were first married, I was accustomed to what I called the Christmas tour.  I'd always make two or three stops between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to see extended family.  This was normal for me because I grew up with lots of family in town and that's just what we did.  My wife, on the other hand, was used to spending all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home with her immediate family.  Normal for her was something much slower paced.  Our compromise was in favor of her preference.  This was not a matter of her winning and me losing, I actually prefer the slower paced holiday schedule now. Whatever you do, make sure it's a plan you both agree with and support.

2. Deliver your plan early.

One of the mistakes we make with extended family is poor communication or lack of communication.  Remember, everyone has expectations of how the holidays should work. Your parents and in-laws are no different.  Be respectful of their expectations.  This does not mean you must attempt to meet their expectations.  Good communication solves most relationship problems.  A good practice is to make your plan together, and deliver it early.  Let your parents or in-laws know what you have decided.  If you are open to negotiation (we usually are not, by the way), give them time to think about things and get back with you. We try to communicate our plans early enough that we are ahead of any other planning our families may try to do. This way our families can plan around our decisions and not feel like we are the cause of a major disruption.

3. Deny the guilt trip.
It is possible that your plan will ruffle the feathers of someone in your family, and they respond by laying the gift of a serious guilt trip on you. It is very important that you do not allow this kind of behavior to manipulate your plans.  It is important, especially early in a marriage, to create boundaries on decision-making. Your parents or other family members may feel entitled to an opinion in your planning; however, it is your responsibility to manage your family's values and needs.  If you choose to allow outside input, be sure your spouse is in agreement with that decision.  If not, decide on a plan together, deliver your plan early, and stand by your plan by denying the guilt trip.  This may cause some tension at Christmas dinner, but it is vital in establishing unity in your marriage and ultimately gaining the respect of your respective families toward your marriage. If family members are unreasonable and unwilling to respect your decisions, you may have to create more distance with those relationships.

Amanda and I are grateful to have a wonderful relationship with our parents.  Our parents both live about 15 minutes away from us.  We have tried to apply these principles the majority of our married life and are blessed because of it.  I hope this will help you and your family have a Merry Christmas this year and years to come!

“We have a communication problem” I hear this nearly every time I sit with a couple for marriage coaching, in fact it happened today!  I have to keep myself from laughing most of the time because this issue is so universal yet most people state the problem as if they are the first to experience it.   

 

"Is this really the problem?"  I know, this is a dirty counseling trick…answering with a question, however I do believe it gets to the point much faster.  So, often our “communication problems” are actually symptoms of deeper issues.  Healthy communication almost always falls victim to our fears and our hurts.  We don’t like to admit it but when we feel slighted in some way, even unintentionally we use bad communication as a means of payback.  Sometimes this is evident in aggressive behavior and at other times much more subdued.   

I like to coach all married couples that when it comes to marriage we must focus on building a “God-honoring, healthy marriage.”  In fact, I don’t think it is possible to be healthy without being God-honoring.  There are countless sources of “good relationship principles” promising greater relational health.  However without a desire to Honor God we will inevitably revert to selfish behavior and selfishness IS the enemy of your marriage.  The only power great enough to content with our sinful, selfish nature is God himself.  When we submit to Him and His truth then we can truly move toward a healthy marriage.  

 

Back to communication... If you are seeking a God-honoring marriage you will quicker move toward the good communication skills and resolution steps that produce health.  By seeking to honor God you must learn to “die to self” which paves the way to relating well to your spouse.   I hope this is helpful for you.  This topic is only a slice of an entire marriage-coaching seminar I teach so if you want more let me know!  As always I hope this makes sense!  AS